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Once upon a time
I think it was last Thursday
A boy named Peter opened the gate
And went out into the big green meadow
On the branch of a big tree sat a little bird
"All is quiet," said the bird
"Holy cow, a talking bird!" thought Peter
Just then, Bruce the Duck came waddling by
Bruce was very happy that Peter hadn't closed gate
And he decided to check out the deep pond in the meadow
Billy the Bird saw the Duck
So he decided to fly down
And pick an argument with him
"What kind of bird are you if you can't fly?" he said
To which the Duck cleverly replied
"I'm a duck, stupid"
They argued and argued
The Duck swimming in the pond
The little bird skipping along the shore
*scratch*
Sorry
Suddenly, something caught Peter's eye
And you know how painful that can be
It was Louie the Cat crawling through the grass
Louie the Cat thought, "If the Bird is busy arguing, I'll just grab him"
So, quietly, Louie crept towards him on his velvet paws
Well, his paws weren't really velvet
They were, you know, kind of like velvet
It's a, what do you call it
Uh, a metaphor
It's a metaphor, get it
Look out, look out, look out
Look out, look out, look out
Look out, look out, look out
Advised Peter
The bird immediately flew up into the tree
While Bruce the Duck quacked at Louie the Cat
From the middle of the pond
Louie the Cat walked around the tree and thought
"Is it worth climbing up so high
Or should I just send out for pizza"
Grandfather came out
He was all bent out of shape
Because Peter had gone into the meadow
"It's a dangerous place
If a Wolf should come out of the forest
Then what would you do, huh"
Peter did not answer because, after all
It was a rhetorical question
Boys like Peter are afraid of a lot of things
Like Nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra
But they're not afraid of wolves
But Grandfather got Peter in a headlock
And dragged him home telling him that he was grounded
And that he couldn't watch any cartoons for three weeks
Just then, as luck would have it
A big, mean, hairy, ferocious, snarling, carnivorous Wolf
Did come out of the forest
But I guess we all knew that was coming
I mean, the story is called "Peter and the Wolf"
We couldn't very well call it "Peter and the Wolf"
If there wasn't any Wolf, could we
Huh, that would be really stupid
The Cat was up the tree in a twinkling
Which is about, oh, 2.3 seconds
Bruce the Duck quacked so hard
That he propelled himself backwards and up onto dry land
For those of you taking notes
This is a fine practical example of Newton's First Law of Motion
Which clearly states that for every action
There is an equal and opposite reaction
But no matter how quickly Bruce tried to waddle away
He couldn't escape Seymore the Wolf
Who was wearing his best pair of tennis shoes
The Wolf was closing in on the Duck
It was getting closer and closer and closer
And then, and then
He got him, he got him
Oh no, oh, it was terrible
Oh, oh I can't believe it, oh
The humanity, the humanity
Oh my God, ah-ho, oh
And then with one big gulp
Seymore wolfed him down
*burp*
Um, let me recap the story briefly
In case you just walked into the room
Louie the Cat was sitting on one branch
Billy the Bird was on another branch
Not too close to Louie
And Bob the Janitor was at home defrosting his refrigerator
The Wolf walked around the tree so many times
That he made a small trench
Meanwhile, Peter was standing behind the closed gate
Videotaping everything that was going on
Suddenly Peter got an idea
He ran home and got a big spool of his Grandfather's unwaxed dental floss
One of the branches of the tree that the Wolf was circling
Was conveniently stretched out over a high stone wall
Peter scaled the wall lickity-split
Which is even faster than a twinkling
Then he grabbed the branch and climbed onto the tree
Peter said to Billy the Bird, "I want you to fly down
And circle around the Wolf's head to distract him
But be very careful he doesn't catch you and bash your skull in
And tear out your lungs and chew you up
Into itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny little pieces"
"Okay" said the bird
Billy the Bird almost touched the Wolf's head with his wings
While the Wolf snapped angrily at him
"Go ahead," said the Wolf
"Make my day"
"Come on, cut it out," snarled the Wolf
"You're asking for trouble, punk"
But Billy the Bird just kept on harassing him
Meanwhile, Peter made a lasso out of the dental floss
And, carefully letting it down
Caught the Wolf by the tail and pulled with all his might
Feeling himself caught, the Wolf got really ticked off
And started jerking back and forth
Peter tied the other end of the dental floss to the tree
And left the Wolf dangling in mid-air
"Hey, Big Bad Wolf," said Peter
"Why don't you come up here and get us now?"
"I would," said the Wolf
"But, well, I'm kinda tied up right now"
Just then, some members of the National Rifle Association came out of the woods
Firing their magnums, oozies, and bazookas
But Peter yelled "Don't shoot
Billy the Bird and I have caught the Wolf
Now, let's take him to the Zoo"
"Great idea," said the hunters
"And if he likes that
Next week we'll take him to Disneyland"
Just imagine the victory parade
Peter was at the head
*flush*
But after a few minutes he was through
And then the parade began with Peter at the very front
After him, the hunters, leading Seymore the Wolf
Then Grandfather and Louie the Cat
And finally, Bob the janitor
Who had to sweep up the whole mess
Grandfather shook his head discontentedly
"Well, Peter, what if you hadn't caught the Wolf?
What then"
"Well," said Peter
"He probably would have ripped out my intestines with his teeth"
*choking* said Grandfather
"I know that, you idiot
It was a rhetorical question"
Above them, Billy the Bird chirped proudly
"Yeah, that's right
We bad, we bad"
Grandfather decided that he'd had enough of the pond
And the meadow and the whole stinking scene
So he ran off to Los Angeles and joined a Heavy Metal band
And what about Bruce the Duck
Well, the Wolf had been in such a hurry
That he swallowed him alive
Which means the gastric juices slowly dissolved his body
And he died a long, painful death
However, you'll be happy to hear
That, just a few years later, he was reincarnated
As Shirley MacLaine
And the moral of the story is
Oral hygiene is very important
Make sure you see your dentist at least twice a year
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